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Who is playing on Friday, December 1st?

 

2014 Champions:  Skyhawks

2015 Champions:  ManBearPigs

2016 Champions:  ManBearPigs

2017 Champions:  My Balls, Your Face - Projected - just sayin'

 

2015 Champions:  Dodging Divas

2016 Champions:  Mother Duckers

 

 

Men's teams:

 

ManBearPigs:  Captain: Chad Rubin.  The ManBearPigs are the defending champs and are back for their 4th year. These 7 dudes are roided up and ready to unleash their inner fury on the world.  These burly men have been training 7 days a week and are counting down the days until they hit the dodgeball court to defend their title.  In between workouts they pop each others back zits and punch each other in the face.  Boys, steroids will do that to you!  These dudes are on fire!!  Not literally on fire because that would suck but their skills and resolve for victory are all they think about.  Chad Rubin in a recent interview said, "We plan to win again because all the other teams suck at dodgeball."  This comment has created anger within the dodgeball community and beyond.  What will the fate of the ManBearPigs be on December 1st?  Who really gives a f$%#@!.  More importantly is to watch Chad sweat more than any human being on the planet.  It is disgusting!!!  This is not a joke, it's almost more fun to just sit and watch Chad sweat!!  It is just not normal!!

 

Balls of Fury (Millburn):  Captain:  Elliot Cahn.  The Balls of Fury are coming all the way from Millburn to man up in this old game of champions.  With a $2 Uber ride and a packed cooler they are ready to throw down with all competitors.  Their leader Elliot Cahn has an amazing plan that will result in ultimate victory on the dodgeball court.  Their plan is to pretend to drink coctails but really only throw back high quality H20.  They are expecting that as other teams begin to get sloppy, the Balls of Fury will monopolize on this weakness and claim total victory.  Hate to say this Balls of Fury, no level of sober-ness is going to give you the advantage.  Your captain Elliot can barely walk up his front steps without stopping for a breather.  For the rest of the Balls of Fury, I guess we will just have to see on December 1st! Enjoy that water boys, you really know how to party on a Friday night!!

 

Maplewood Lacrosse Club Ballers (Maplewood):  Captain Jeffrey Angel.  Little is known about this combined Maplewood/South Orange Team.  We know they served in Nam in a special forces unit most likely Green Beret during 67 - 69.  Sources cannot find their true identities but have learned their secret codenames from back in Nam.  If anyone has information that can reveal their true identity please call this secured line at 867-5309 (no area code needed).  Their codenames are Messner, Ortega, Coletta, Jurgensen, Berry, Krakauer, and their leader Rambo.  Go ahead boys, give us a war we won't believe.  Talk to me Johnny!!  

 

Ninja Balls:  Captain Richard Squires.  Move over Kung Fu Panda, the Ninja Balls have been training for this EPIC dodgeball event since 2014.  These Ninja's are not your average Ninja's.  These Ninjas are extra domesticated Ninjas who do what their wives tell them to do.  You rock Ninja's, the rest of us are really scared to see your sick skills on the dodgeball court.  Nothing is worse than Ninja's who spend their days at the Home Depot, Target, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Wow, you are the real deal!  Don't forget to wax on, sand a floor, and paint the fence.  Please don't sweep the leg, it's just dodgeball!!

 

Chris Stebbings (No Name)  Captain: Chris Stebbings  These idiots can't come up with a name - WTF!!  They lift things up and put them down!  They lift things up and put them down!

 

My Balls, Your face:  Captain:  Jeff Kaesshaefer.  Move over dodgeball teams, My Balls, your face is hitting the court ready to smack their balls on your chin.  Their balls may even explode on impact!  FYI - the balls we are talking about are dodgeballs so get your mind out of the gutter.  This group of ex-mercenaries are focused and determined to claim total victory on Friday.  If they lose they can still claim total victory!  Does that even make sense?  Definition of Total Victory:  Being able to walk off the court at the end of the night without a serious injury.  Don't get hurt boys, your wives will be pissed!!!    

 

Untouchaballs (Springfield P.B.A):  Oh Snap! No need to call 911 they will already be playing dodgeball.  This team will come unarmed but ready to battle to earn the ultimate title as Dodgeball champs.  Go Springfield P.B.A!  Chad from the ManBearPigs said that although you are a strong dodgeball force, you are no match for the ManBearPigs.  The ManBearPigs are half Man, half Bear, and half Pigs.  That's 3 halves which is 150% of awesomeness.  Thanks for keeping us safe day and night in Springfield.  Please know that when we peg you in the face with a ball it's not that we don't love you any less it's just part of the game.  

Blood, Sweat and Beers: Captain:  Phil Turnbull

Back for their 4th year are the infamous Blood, Sweat, and Beers.  If you notice, the word Beers is bigger than Blood and Sweat.  These guys have their priorities in check and they believe that the only way to win this event is to get there early and drink beer.  Fellas, how has that been working out for you?  In a recent interview by captain Phil Turnbull, he stated that his new strategy is fool proof.  They plan to switch from Miller Lite to Bud Lite! Everybody knows that you are more successful at dodgeball if you drink Bud Lite!  Fellas, you are on to something!!  You are spewing pure brilliance!  Einstein is an idiot compared to you lads.  Your strategy is EPIC!  Enjoy those ice cold beverages boys but don't forget to purchase extra beers in case team, My Balls, Your Face runs out.  Which they will!!

 

Dodge Brawlers:  Captain:  Scott Wishna

The Dodge Brawlers are ready, willing, and able to unleash ultimate fury on the dodgeball court this Friday.  Once a competitive male cheerleading squad and now a sick dodgeball team about to open up a can of whoop ass!  These tough dudes have been involved in secret rigorous dodgeball training for the past 3 months.  Little is known about their secret training except that it involves a turtle, cut toe nails, pizza crust, and some creepy dude by the name of Fred!  You go Dodge Brawlers!!  Way to confuse the rest of us.  We don't know whether to drink beer with you or keep our distance.  No worries...  We don't judge!  Fellas, a turtle?  WTF?  You sick-o's

 

Neanderballs:  (South Orange) Captain:  Max Lafrance

The Neanderballs are not new to the dodgeball circuit.  In 2016 they were formerly known as Legend of Balls.  They realized that the only thing that prevented them from winning was their name.  Neanderballs date back 40,000 years at a time when you lived off the land to survive.  This name represents a more rugged and tougher team with some really old balls.  By changing their name to a tougher sounding name, they expect to be stronger, faster, and more successful than last year.  Fellas, I don't think it works that way but good luck anyway.  40,000 year old balls?  That's just sick!  

 

Women's teams:

 

Soccer Mummies: Captain: Noelle Winer:  Move over Lacrosse and Baseball Mummies, the soccer mummies are here to claim total victory on the dodgeball court.  They have loaded up their mini vans and are ready to make the perilous journey all the way to Millburn.  These soccer moms may have the moves on the soccer field but will they hold their own on the dodgeball court?  You may need to go for the shut out so you can leave early.  You want to be well rested for the start of indoor soccer which starts Saturday morning.  Does the soccer season ever end?  If you notice, soccer coninues on for 5 of the 4 seasons.  How is that possible?  Exhausting!!!

 

Mother Duckers:  Captain: Kristie Babiarz:  Just when you thought you have seen it all along comes a team called Mother Duckers.  You Mother Ducker!!!!  Borderline inappropriate but quite hilarious!  These ladies come angry and loaded with aggression to make for the ultimate dodgeball warriors.  As a result of their new strategy, the Mother Duckers are most likely to win this event.  Their strategy is still unknown but it has something to do with pretending the other players are their husbands and launching balls at their heads.  Wow!!  Kind of violent don't you think ladies?  But I guess that's why they call you the Mother Duckers!  You Mother Ducker!  BTW - Great name!!!

 

Dodging Divas:  These ladies are hopeful that they will be dodging their way to victory.  They are focused and ready for battle on the court.  They won the tourney in 2015 but lost the trophy last year in 2016.  These girls have mastered the art of dodging.  They have been honing their skills by dodging their husbands at home, especially late night.  Sucks to be them!!  You got some sick skills Divas, go ahead and dodge your way to victory. 

 

Too Hot to Hit:  

Pack a cooler full of lite beer  $60

Pay the dodgeball fee               $40

Uber to and from                      $19

Bikini dodgeball shirts   -   Priceless

 

Girls, your outfits get an A+! When viewing the picture, the question is asked, "Why are those girls wearing bikini's?"  The answer is simply because they are Too Hot to Hit!!  Good luck girls, may the Mother Ducker show you mercy! 

 

 

Bitches and Balls:  Captain: Sarka Antonio:  Just when you thought you have heard it all, BAM!!!  Here comes Bitches With Balls or Bitches Smacking Balls or Bitches Growing Balls.  We are still unsure of the complete name of this team but it has something to do with Bitches and Balls.  The name alone is a testament to how angry and pissed off these girls are!  They are hitting the dodgeball court to kick ass and nothing more.  You are in deep trouble if you even look at these girls the wrong way.  Team captain Sarka chews on broken glass before every game just to get focused on the mission.  All ladies be warned.  Bitches throwing balls or whatever their name is are the real deal and should not be underestimated.  BTW Bitches and Balls, you are setting a great example for your children.  That was a joke ladies, your children will be scarred for life if they knew their mom was on a team named bitches and balls.  What is wrong with you?             

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

Meet the 2016 teams

ManBearPigs - 2015 Champions:  The Manbearpigs are the defending champs and are back for 2016.  They have reached the pinnacle of their career as they pulled off the upset of a century against the defending Skyhawks last year.  Chad has been accused of feeding his team a daily regiment of anabolic steroids but that has not been proven.  Chad and Chris were seen taking a blue pill during their practice.  When interviewed, they both excitingly said, "It was advil."  We all hope the Manbearpigs enjoy taking blue pills together.  Sounds like fun boys - enjoy!  What you didn't know is that they are half Man, half Bear, half Pigs.  This is mathematically impossible but they suck at math so who cares!!  Rock on fellas!!  
 
1. Chad R
2. Michael S
3. Doug H
4. Chris S
5. Tim M
6. Dave G
7. Renzo M
 
 
 
Legend of Balls - This group of retired Navy Seals are truly a force to be reckened with.  Now that they have no one to shoot or knife, they have come all the way from South Orange to fill the void on the dodgeball court.  They plan to get down and dirty by destroying all other teams.  They claim their balls are legendary but their wives beg to differ.  In fact, just like most middle aged men, their wives haven't see their balls in quite a few years so they forget how legendary they are.  Girls, that's messed up.  Boys, it will be ok, pack a cooler and let some steam out.
 
 
1. Max L
2. Michael W
3. Beau S
4. Pete Z
5. Andrew L
6. Jay T
7. Gary M
 
 

My Balls, Your Face - My Balls, Your Face has come up short for 2 years in a row.  They decided to get back to the basics which is to take their balls and hit everyone in the face. Some say this is immature and others say "more balls to the face please."  Whether you like balls to the face or not you cannot deny that this is the most athletic bunch on the court. They realize now that they did what so many failed great teams have done in the past; they drink too much before the tourney even starts.  Boys, hold off on the sauce and you are guaranteed a victory.  Who are we kidding, you will be hammered by the first game.  Bunch of drunk idiots!

 
1.  Jeff K
2.  Steve R
3.  Tom D
4.  Adam S
5.  Jimmy
6.  Dave P
7.  Jeff C 
 
 
 
 

Blood Sweat and Beers - Watch out Manbearpigs!!!  You are going to feel the wrath of Blood Sweat and Beers!!  These fine lads continue to sweat blood and drink beers.  No one is really sure if this condition of sweating blood is healthy but no one really cares.  These dudes practice by pounding each other in the face with bowling balls.  Just when you thought that was over the top they constantly sky dive without parachutes.  If you can look past the alcoholism and brain damage you will see that these guys are really great dudes. Having a conversation with them is like talking to a 2 year old but who's judging. Fellas, too much head trauma - hooked on fonics wurked 4 me!!!  

 
1. Dermot M
2. Phil T
3. Chris T
4. Matt O
5. John O
6. Billy T
 
 
Balls of Fury - Move over Springfield!!  The Balls of Fury say no one plays dodgeball in their home town without them.  That's right folks, this Millburn team is back for year 2 and devised a winning strategy that ensures ultimate victory.  Their captain Elliot has come up with a cutting edge strategy called Fireball.  You see, you buy a big bottle of fireball and all the teammates kill the bottle before playing.  Team captain Elliot says it promotes clarity and helps to cleanse them prior to competing. Fellas, let us know how that works out for you?  Sounds great 
 
1. Elliot C
2. Ben W
3. Barry H
4. Joe M
5. Pete R 
6. Daniel J 
7. Rich C
 
 
 
Big Cajones - Move over Mr. Small balls!!  Big Cajones are coming through smashing their balls on everyone.  You can run but you can't hide!!  These dudes with large sacks are ready to release their inner fury all over their enemies!!  Their training consisted of drinking a ton of beer and pegging each other with rocks.  This team recruited Steve and Joe who as a team, claimed ultimate victory in the Kanjam Tourney.  If you can throw a frisbee you can peg some dude with a ball.  Good luck Big Cajones, please stay away from our wives you sick-o's!!  
 
1. Dan S
2. Bill R
3. Dave
4. Phil
5. Mike
6. Steve L
7. Joe P
 
 
 
Balls of Duty - Watch out dodgeball world,  the most feared, washed up, former mediocre athletes have been assembled for one last stand on the dodgeball court.  This talented bunch is counting on Sean McTernan to lead them to victory.  Sean was part of the 2014 Skyhawk team that claimed ultimate victory 2 years ago.  This is not Sean's first rodeo and has plenty of advice to share with his team.  The rest of the team are a little nervous about the big bad ball that will be thrown at them.  Boys, don't be nervous, by game 3 nobody can see where they are throwing anyway.  This statement is true for 14 of the 15 teams.  The exception would be the Manbearpigs.  They only drink water so they can win!!!  Such tools!!      
 
1. Chris K
2. Mike A
3. Joe P
4. Eric H
5. Jim M
6. Sean M
7. Walter L
 
 

The Untouchaballs – The untouchaballs are new to the dodgeball circuit.  Once a highly competitive male cheerleading squad, the Untouchaballs traveled around the country showing off their pikes and splits while yelling “go team.”  Many dudes have made fun of male cheerleaders.  Go ahead and make fun, but what you don’t get is that male cheerleaders have their hands on more ass than Brad Pitt.  Boys, love the strategy and dudes across the world are jealous.  These flexible dudes have been training and have mastered the pike peg and the split throw.  This is going to be interesting.  Hey fellas, please please please stop asking to put on a half time show!!  Just drink and have fun!!

 

1.  Dan C

2.  David K

3. Steve H

4. Mark C

5. Chris W

6. Mark K

7. Lou C

 
 
 
 
Dodgebrawlers - These dudes are pissed off that Gersen defected to the Manbearpigs. They want to peg Gersen. Peg Gersen! Peg Gersen! Peg Gersen! Peg Gersen! Peg Gersen! 
 
1. Ryan L
2. Scott S
3  Tom C
4.
5. Steve M
6. Dan L
7. Scott L - Injured due to bad splinter on pinky finger.
 
 
 
Team BIGLY - Not much is known about Team BIGLY.  They are new to the dodgeball scene but plan to go all the way to the final round.  It has been said that they have the secret strategy to win the entire dodgeball tourney.  Chris from the Manbearpigs spied on Team BIGLY and found out that they are stockpiling dryer lint, Ramen soup, and KY jelly.  Wow team BIGLY, we are all curious to know how these random things can assure you victory!!  I guess we will find out on Dec 2nd.  It sounds like team BIGLY needs some counseling.       
 
1. Andy H
2. Brian M
3. Lee B
4. Joe
5. Drennan
​6. Rich
 
 
   
 
 
 
 
Women's Dodgeball Teams
 

Soccer Mummies - Move over baseball and lacrosse Mommies, Soccer Mummies are here and ready to show that they can do more than just kick a ball.  Soccer Mummies are tough and ready to kick some major ass on the dodgeball court.  Their husbands are excited to see their wives take balls to the face.  This of course is because there hasn't been any balls to the face since the honeymoon.  Shake it off ladies, dudes only care about 1 thing............  Kicking ass in dodgeball!!!  That's right boys, cheer on your ladies and maybe balls to the face will happen again......  Don't hold your breath but you can dare to dream!!

 

1. Noelle W

2. Carrie S
3. Stacey F
4. Stacy D
5. Erica D
6. Allison P
7. Sharon A
8. Nicole G
9. Michelle J
10. Rachel Huber
 
 
 
Too Hot to Hit - Feel the Burn and we are not talking about Bernie Sanders. These chicks are too hot to hit!  Any ball that gets close to them explodes into flames.  The Dodging Divas plan to peg them all in the face because black eyes on chicks are actually not that hot. Dodging Divas, that is just so wrong, what's wrong with you girls?  It's a fundraiser for heavens sake!  We will see on December 2nd if these tough girls truly are too hot to hit!!  Good luck ladies!!  
 
1. Marci C
2. Dawn U 
3. Kristy R
4. Alyssa A
5. Gina L
6. Debora K
7. Bonnie L
8. Daniella Weinberg
 
 
 
Dodging Divas - 2015 Champs!!  Move over Ladies, the Dodging Divas are back to kick some serious ball sack on the dodgeball court.  The Dodging Divas are going to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge their way to victory.  These courageous divas will never give up!  They will cheat, lie, and steal to achieve ultimate victory.  Some say that's not fair but the Dodging Divas say all fair in love and  war, and dodgeball is war!!!  Man, those Dodging Divas are nuts!!!  The Mother duckers have claimed that the Dodging Divas won by cheating.
     
1. Diana P
2. Alayne F 
3. Julie B
4. Kate F
5. Kerri A
6.  Angela H
7.  Fran B
 
 
 
The Fireballs - Move over Springfield moms, the Fireballs from South Orange are on their way to the dodgeball court.  These chicks are the real deal and don't take crap from anyone.  They competed in a dodgeball tournament last week and took home the trophy.  They were on top of their game and showed no mercy to the 3rd grade team they played.  That's right moms, no 3rd grade dodgeball team can hang with you!  Mercy is for the weak!! 
 
1. Alisa C
2. Rachel C
​3. Natasha K
4. Jami K
5. Martine W
6. Danielle M
7. Cathy R
 
 
Mother Duckers - The Mother Duckers are gearing up for battle.  After losing to the Dodging Divas last year, the Mother Duckers have taken an Oath to claim ultimate victory this year.  These girls have been participating in daily workouts to mold their bodies into dodgeball machines.  These angry chicks are in it to win it.  Listen up Mother Duckers, the Dodging Diva's said their is no chance in hell they are giving up that trophy.
Ladies, it's a fundraiser, can't we all get along!!!
 
1. Kristie B
2. Hilary T
3. Danielle P
4. Lucy M
​5. Jen C
​6. Sue S
7. Sonia K
8. Fran T
9. Melinda L
10 Robin C 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Springfield Skyhawks - 2014 Champions: We are still not sure if this team is coming back for 2016.  They keep crying about how old they are.  Boys, grow a pair and man up!!!  Chad has a strap on if you want to feel more like a man.  This is ridiculous!!!